where waves grow sweet

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

After a rough couple of days working stuff out, holding old ugly beliefs up to the light, and choosing to stand in truth despite emotions to the contrary, I felt like I was in an in-between place last night… knowing God would walk me through but not being there quite yet.

I was in bed, searching for something in my email, when I happened upon a conversation with a friend from 5 years ago. It was a sweet friendship and one I haven’t thought about in a long time. That alone felt comforting, and made me glad that I’ve put off cleaning out my bottomless pit of an inbox. But, on top of that, the content of the conversation hit on the exact thing I have been working through.  I would love to share the whole thing, but it wouldn’t be right, so I will just share my response…

I am so very sorry about whatever happened that set in that self-condemnation.  I know the torment of it and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I sincerely hope that God has pulled you near and spoken his truth over you.

It’s amazing how I can feel so justified in my sense of disqualification from the joys and intimacy of life, and feel so simultaneously heart broken and outraged (at a lying bastard of an enemy) over yours.  It’s also amazing to me how different our histories are but how wildly uncreative the enemy is in his lies. That we’re destined to walk a lonely road, that isolation is somehow part of God’s plan, that we get to observe rather than participate. And how we then we use our life experience as proof of this rejection, rather using the word of God through faith as proof that it is not who Christ Jesus has destined us to be.  I say bullcrap.

Here’s the thing.  We serve a God of relationship – one who called us to love above anything else.  Everything we do comes out of a relationship with God and if there is any way we’re feeling excluded from either an intimacy with God or with others, we’ve been conned into some totally false belief system.  We have desires in our heart to be connected because we were created to be connected.  We are in no way exempt from God’s command to love God, ourselves and others.  People won’t always love us back so it’s a risk.  But we’re being idolatrous in thinking that we can protect ourselves because it means we’re not trusting in the loving hand of our Father to protect us and in his power to heal our crushed hearts when we do get hurt.  The other problem is that often we’re going to be loved back and for those of us who have trouble on the receiving end, rejection is the easier, more familiar path. On that count, all we can do is cry out for the courage to set aside our well-grooved patterns and for the ability to receive love.

I so totally relate to the dark scripting of life and the “safety” of it but I think we need to open our eyes and see that it’s not our scripting – it’s the scripting of the enemy – and we’re living out a completely compromised life in exact accordance to his intent.  He knows he can’t always get us to outright deny God so he just compromises our hope in God’s love and acceptance.  And if we’re living according to his script, do we really think we’re going to live richly and intimately?  Oh man, it gets me so ticked off.

So Father, I thank you that you knew us before the foundations of the earth and that you formed us through the overflowing love of the trinity.  I thank you that you’ve called us by name, that you delight in even saying our name.  I ask that you would remove the burden of a dark calling and help us to walk out the true script you have – one of hope, innocence, joy and intimacy.  I ask that you would help us to be a child before you, living moment by moment in response to you.  I ask that we would be able to receive the fullness of your mercy every day, forgetting what is behind, walking with a light heart full of anticipation and laying down every care before your mighty hands.  I ask that you would show us that we are safe in your care, and that we can risk everything on this earth because we’re loved by you and it’s all that matters.  I ask that we would gain the kind of freedom that makes us want to run down the streets shouting of your goodness; that we would stand in your truth and reflect who you really are. Please help us to be representatives of your glory rather than of our insecurities and disappointments.  Please draw us close and help us to love you.  Amen.