Posted by: karanoel | November 28, 2010

Camping, cub scout style

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free to be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment to cry, of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.  [Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons]

I’m sitting in the backyard on a blustery evening, wrapped up in a boy scout sweatshirt and the big blanket we normally keep on the sofa. The sun has set, leaving a tangerine glow on the edges of the sky. The trees are all black silhouettes wildly waving against the darkening sky. My hands are cold. It feels like a camping trip, except maybe for the lit screen in front of me, the Mumford & Sons playing in my ears, and the fact that I can go take a bath if I want to.

It’s hard to say why I’m out here. Cole is in my room and the living room just wasn’t cutting it tonight. But it also seems that I am pushing through into something new and I’m quite literal about these things. There is only so far a girl can walk, so sometimes she just has to move her sitting spot to a more significant place.

What I’m processing is hard to pinpoint exactly. There has been so much going on in my world this year. And these past few months in particular. At a certain point, all the things we learn have to turn into practice, or it’s no better than sitting on a couch watching a workout video. Our bodies will not change until we actually get on the floor and do the ab exercises that makes our stomachs quiver. I have been learning and ‘know’ many things, but feel like I am finally getting down on the carpet, unfit as I may be, and actually working it out.

I wrote the following in a recent post: “So I have a renewed excitement to follow wherever his treasure map and hints will lead me, giggling in delight as I catch glimpses of the knowing sparkle in his eyes.” That was an easy thing to write and understand, but another thing to do. I feel more focused than giggly at the moment.

I have a date on Wednesday night. I’m sure it will be an enjoyable evening with, from what I’ve heard, a great guy. But what I see coming to the surface are all the things that have kept me from dating. Not things wrong with other people, but things in my heart that have amounted to the construction of a mighty fortress. Only the Lord can tear this down, but I have to be a willing participant. So, as my friend reminded me today, like Dory sings in Finding Nemo, I’ve got to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

It is now pitch black, except for a few scattered stars. My hands are still cold, but I’m not minding too much. I think there is a hot bath in my future. But not quite yet.


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