where waves grow sweet

I was thinking about my last blog post and felt the need to add something. Part of my frustration with Chase’s ongoing, boomerang-like sickness was, as I said, the loss of control over my time and schedule, but there was also the loss of control over a broken little body that I couldn’t fix. Anger is my go-to when I feel out of control. I have a long, involved history as evidence, but God has been working (and working) on it so what I do with that anger is not usually as dramatic or destructive as it used to be. Can I just say thank you, Lord, for that.

It’s what I found these past weeks as I held my sweet boy with the high fever and flushed cheeks who wanted nothing but to be in my arms for hours at a time. He didn’t want TV or music or to be read to. He didn’t even want me to read to myself. He just wanted the quiet, focused nurture of his mom. As someone who tends to value personal freedom above all else, I wouldn’t consider myself a nurturing person by nature. But I found myself yielding that nature, which couldn’t provide what was needed, to a greater Nature; One that values love above all else, no matter what the cost. In the midst of that holy transaction, with a broken heart over my aching boy and all my plans out the window, there was a sweetness that came; a pleasure to pour into this boy what has been poured into me. 

In that last post, I talked about spending, saving and giving. But love is something different altogether. It doesn’t provide an immediate return like spending or a guaranteed future return like saving. And it isn’t always as tangible or self-satisfying as giving can be. It’s an investment in the life of another, with no promises of a return in natural terms, either now or later. But it is the whole point of the gospel and the reason we are here. The Bible says love never fails. That doesn’t mean it will look like we think it should, but it does mean that it is always worthwhile; always a sound place to invest our resources.

If I think about the things I would have accomplished if Chase had been well and at school, they seem so insignificant; so trivial and temporary in light of love, relationship, eternity. How much more lasting an investment to give up a bit of my freedom for Chase – to sacrifice in a way that demonstrates his value. Though my efforts obviously pale in comparison, it’s the very thing Jesus did for us. The recent tragedy of all those lost in the helicopter crash has helped us all regain this perspective, I think… of what really matters; of what has true worth. Oh Lord, what I wouldn’t give to have the privilege of setting aside anything and everything to nurture Cole again and pour love into his broken places, whether I could fix them or not.

I don’t see love, though, as something we need to try harder to do. Yes, as I’ve experienced so often, we need to yield our wills… to become willing to let God work in us and through us… but even that we can’t do without His help. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to ask Him to help me be willing. But He will do it. And everything He does comes with His soft, gentle, cleansing love, which will melt all the walls that try to keep it out. Eventually, we will become so full of this love, that even the slightest pressure on our lives will cause it to spill out on those around us. And maybe we will even become so full that we can’t take a single step without it sloshing over the top and pouring onto others. Because, as I’m thinking about it, the Love we’ve been given was the greatest investment of all time and, when received into our hearts, it can’t help but produce dividends that go far beyond anything we would ever be able to contain or spend on ourselves.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Cor 13:4-8