where waves grow sweet

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

There were a couple triggers this past week that knocked things out of perspective for me. Instead of walking on the water with Jesus, which I’ve experienced in countless miraculous moments since losing Cole, I could feel myself begin to sink and knew without a doubt that I could plummet into the dark depths if something didn’t shift.

It wasn’t sadness which, if felt and acknowledged, can be comforted and healed by Jesus’ touch; it was torment which, if yielded to, brings only more of the same. It rose up through the quiet of my soul, an initially distant but quickly approaching terror that echoed in my ears like the shrieking eels of The Princess Bride. The accusation it bore was this: That I am not okay and could never be okay; that there is no solid ground beneath my feet.

It’s no wonder that my energy fled, along with my joy. These are not light accusations to be carrying. When I stopped to examine the doubts, rather than letting them echo inside, it was clear that they were coming from a source whose sole purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. Not exactly a friend with my best at heart. So I held them up against the promises of One who has loved me relentlessly and gained my trust; whose words have proven true over decades of relationship. As you may have guessed, the accusations showed themselves to be twisted truths or outright falsehoods and relief came. If it didn’t completely silence the voices, it helped me to ignore them like you would the taunts of an insecure bully.

The next morning, I had the inspired idea of calling my mom to talk things through. She was able to speak and pray so much truth that by the time we hung up, the torment was all but gone. But it wasn’t until later in the day that the whole thing broke and I knew I was walking on the solid ground of Jesus again. What rose up in my spirit was this: Even this (Cole’s death) becomes good in God’s hands. My whole being – and the Bible – testified to the powerful truth of this statement and crushed the lie of something I’d read last week; the foundation on which the accusations stood… that only evil can be seen in death. It bears repeating that I don’t think Cole’s suicide was God’s plan or has any goodness in itself. But all things, when put in the hands of our mighty God, become tools of restoration and glory, and a reason to rejoice.

Wouldn’t you know that my perspective snapped right back to the place of hope where it belongs – on my beloved Jesus; His great love for me and Cole; the ultimate price he paid so that sin, death and accusation have no more say in the lives of His children; His ability to transform even the worst into something of beauty and purpose. I was so filled with gladness and gratitude that my feet nearly lifted above the water (if that’s possible!). It’s no wonder that my energy returned and torment fled, taking with it every doubt and every accusation. Not only that, but I walked away from this spiritual battle less daunted by so many other evil things happening in this world – spoils of war that I get to keep.

I know this isn’t over. It’s a trial so big that there is no solid ground in the natural as far as the eye can see. I am having to learn the skill of walking on water by faith in the promises of Jesus or I will sink. It’s a steep learning curve. But what a privilege to be invited to trust like this. And what beautiful, miraculous things must lie ahead for those who accept the invitation.

I would like to leave you with a few questions…

• What doubts and accusations are causing you torment?
• Have you examined them against the Word of God?
• Have you asked for someone to speak truth and pray with you?
• Have you asked the Lord to show you what foundation the accusations are standing on so the whole structure can collapse instead of fighting them off one by one?

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”  He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:28-33