where waves grow sweet

Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.” John 4:34

Last week, I fasted from food for one whole day.  I’m guessing this isn’t a big deal for most people, some of whom probably even forget to eat. But for someone like me whose body often calls the shots – not just needs but very particular wants – it borders on the miraculous.

My heart had been feeling stirred; like God was doing something in there I couldn’t yet understand. And then it felt pressed – hard – which created an urgency to hear what the something might be and made fasting suddenly seem like a very reasonable response.

With my utter lack of willpower, it was no surprise that my initial effort ended by morning’s first hunger pangs. Shame didn’t follow; just a prayer that went something like “I’m willing God, but if this is going to happen, you’re going to have to do it.” The following day He did. It was really rather shocking. It wasn’t that I wasn’t hungry… I definitely was… but I wanted something more than I wanted food. The Spirit just kind of breathed life into that and it made eating seem pretty insignificant.

My day-long fast ended with a bit of the pressure lifted, some joy in its place and a new understanding of something pretty foundational. The filter I have been looking through is an awareness of my limitations. I want ease, comfort and predictability. I want people to approve of me. I want my life to look a certain way. And I am terribly afraid of even a small amount of suffering (I mean, I consider being tired suffering). These are not traits that would highly recommend me for wholehearted surrender to an untamed God. Or so I thought until my fast.

But then I grasped something. If hunger and a lack of willpower don’t disqualify me from fasting, then wants and fears – even a slew of them – don’t disqualify me from being used in the Kingdom of God. All that is required is a greater Want that dwarfs all the lesser ones and makes them seem kind of insignificant.

That thing pressing in on my heart? I’m starting to think it was that Want; the one that sees how worthy God is and hungers for His love to be expressed through my life. Maybe all those other wants are going to be quieted or rendered irrelevant as the Spirit breathes life on this one.

As for my cowardice? I’ve read enough stories to know there is a cost and that still scares me. But I’m guessing that the same God who became my willpower for a day can become my courage for another.