Posted by: karanoel | February 6, 2011

The malcontent

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Timothy 6:6-7

Coffee & writing... a perfect start

First of all, I would like to apologize to anyone who got hit this week by a train with curly blond hair and a determined expression. I wasn’t so much like Mary sitting at the feet of God; more like Martha… or like she would have been after several Red Bulls and maybe some steroids… plowing through tasks, bugged by anyone not doing the same, and knocking down those unfortunate enough to get in my way. Can we just lock up task-mode Kara and drop the key in a field of 3 million others where no one but Horton would bother to look?

There was a lot that needed to be done. And a lot I wanted to do. But had I actually read my blog this week instead of just writing it, the realization may have hit sooner that my focus was askew. Which, as I said repeatedly, is bound to take my life off course and draw me away from peace.

Focusing on newfound avenues of enjoyment paired with relative ability took a neon pink highlighter to the elements of my job – and whole occupation, actually – which require infinite amounts of energy and for which I have little natural ability or enjoyment. The resulting discontentment with my job should have been no shock, nor should the snippiness with my boss. Fortunately, he’s an amazing guy who texted me 1/2 hour ago (3:30 am…. really Mike??) in response to my emailed apology for my behavior, to let it go and be at peace. Yes, I know, I am seriously blessed.

Another misplaced focus was on getting my own apartment. I’ve been hanging out in my parents’ house for several years now and it has been an unbelievably good thing. But it feels like time to move on and be the grownup of my own little world. No surprise that frustration erupted when I started breaking down my now full-time paycheck and discovered that there is no way on this big round earth that I will be able to afford even the most meager apartment. Which circled me right back around to discontentment with my job, and opened the door for self-pity and maybe a bit of finger-pointing. Hmmm. Wonder why I wasn’t walking around in joy?

[To be clear, it’s not a bad thing to work toward getting an apartment or a job more suited to my ability. Prayer and practical steps are both good, but my heart’s got to be in the right place and my eyes focused on what matters. I’m just sayin’.]

Beyond this discontentment, though, was an intensity being driven by some unknown force. It hit me as I was cleaning the bathroom around midnight last night (I think this was when my dad mentioned, not unkindly, that I am a complicated person). FEAR. If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you probably thought, “well, duh… you’re afraid of everything.” Today marks the end of a two-week time of prayer for direction, which I have been uncharacteristically vague about (yes, I’ll probably fill you in at some point). There has been a ton of surrender and the Lord has spoken in many ways, but today is a conversation about it. It really isn’t scary or bad. There is some good anticipation, but also some unknowns of how it will play out… and you know how I feel about those. So I feel revved up inside and have an inkling that task-mode Kara was just fearful Kara in disguise.

It is still early morning and I’ve already been up for hours. But I’m kind of glad since I was able to drink Hawaiian hazelnut coffee and process life with you. Doesn’t really get better than that. Besides, I have to leave at 6:00 to walk a half marathon in Huntington Beach. It’s funny how 13 miles seemed far when I signed up. I’ve now walked that distance at least a few times with relative ease and, compared to talk of hiking large mountains, it kind of feels like a walk down the hallway. [Note: I’m in awe of the people who will be running these 13 miles today since I still have trouble with 1.] It will be interesting to do my normally solitary activity with a friend and, oh, about 20,000 other people. Looking forward to telling you all about it.

Hope you have a great day with lots of food and football and contentment. Go Packers.


Responses

  1. I just want to say how much this tickled me, kara. I was just laughing out loud as I can hear you processing (and self-critiquing) in the cutest possible way. It makes me feel like I was there drinking some coffee with you. only i’m not and that makes me sad. I miss you so much…

    • Oh Bec, how I wish you could have been there drinking coffee with me and laughing at me in person. [I love your laugh!] And then we could have taken the long walk by the beach together (with sunscreen this time!). You’re the best. I love you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: