where waves grow sweet

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. Isaiah 7:14

Horsetooth Reservoir on Christmas Day

Today is Christmas. We are in Colorado for our usual holiday visit with the wonderful family and friends we left here when we moved away. It was a ridiculously beautiful day – brisk, sunny, and perfect for a meander on the path by the reservoir. So after breakfast, coffee, and a few rounds of the entertaining game my nephew, Aksel, got for Christmas, we set out in the silver Matrix and headed for the trail.

The reservoir was blue and sparkling, sitting in between the hills with the light hitting it just right. Aksel said he could see Wyoming, complete with the sign welcoming one to the state. We wandered down the hill through fields of tall wheat-like grass, jumping out of the way for the bikes speeding down or the joggers trudging up. Each passerby gave a friendly “thank you” or “Merry Christmas.” We sat on the flat boulders lining the trail to relieve Akel’s six-year old legs, and marveled at the people going by, peeled right out of an REI catalog, using their bodies and sporty gear as God must have intended.

Aksel lost his oomph when it was time to climb back up the hill. Michael distracted him with several variations of I Spy. At one point, Michael said, “I hear with my ear something that moves.” Aksel quickly replied, “Aunt Kari’s mouth.” The intended answer was wind, but Aksel later emphasized the correctness of his answer.

We ran into someone we knew. We chatted. We walked. Cole and I kept getting ahead of the others. We came into view of the top of the hill and shouted back some encouragement to Aksel. There were several deer across one of the fields. Cole wanted to run over to them but I took a picture instead, which missed all but one of the perfectly still animals. A conversation ensued about the proper terminology for a group of deer. Cole’s initial response of flock led us in all sorts of directions like prides and schools and gaggles, but we eventually landed on herd.

Michael and Aksel found a shortcut we had missed, so Cole and I sprinted up the remainder of the hill, gasping for breath in the altitude, but failed to reach the car first. We drove the short way home and my body, which has been going on very little sleep, felt so relaxed that I fell into a sweet sleep that seemed to extend itself into eternity.

When I awoke, Michael and Cole were watching bobsledding and some sort of musical ensemble that would have succeeded as a parody. I intended to write this post then, while everyone was occupied, but found myself suddenly surrounded with life… Aksel jumping on the bed on one side of me, Cole juggling on the other side, and the dog on top of my computer. So I let it go, and joined the boys in a “snowball” fight with juggling balls. It was joyful and perfect, although I may still have some welts tomorrow.

The evening ended with a wonderful dinner, a group effort on cleanup, a nice conversation with John, from which Cole tried heartily to distract me, and several more rounds of Aksel’s very addicting game.

Everyone is now in bed and I’m enjoying the quiet and solitude, thankful that God would send his son to this harsh world to free me from the chains that bound me and afford me the beauty of a day like today. Merry Christmas!

But a darn good quote. By my mom. When I was struggling with something a while back…

“Nothing grinds so deeply within us as having an injustice done to us and to keep doing the right thing. This is true dying to self.”

Yep, chew on that a while.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes, but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

There is a time that is coming when all will be restored and there will be no more drought, no more groaning, no more flopping around in death sentences. Every polluted thing will be washed away and we will exist in perfect purity. It will be heaven. Literally.

It’s a pretty amazing thing to anticipate. But the whole idea of the new covenant is that we are no longer separated from God. The curtain was torn. Heaven came crashing into earth. Which means that we get to have that kind of life now.

Through Jesus, we find signs of that life where everything is dry, cracked, and barren. Fresh green leaves appear where there was nothing to account for them – no water, no sun, no soil. When we have that kind of life, we can extend it to everything and everyone around us. Because it’s not our own life which is dependent on so much for survival, but the very life of God which is able to create from nothing and exist independent of every natural thing.

The bible says that we will shine “like stars in the sky as we hold firmly to the word of life.” Stars don’t shine in the day. They shine at night, when it is dark and hard to see. It is exactly when things outwardly look like they are falling apart and it is hard to see any good thing, that we get to draw from the spirit of God within, shining and twinkling with a calm that goes deeper than daunting emotions or heart-wrenching circumstances. We get to reflect the life of God in a world of drought, the peace of God in a world of distress, the hope of God in a world of despair.

Thank you Lord for every difficult thing that has brought us to our knees before you, that we can see the end of ourselves and our finite ability, and the beginning of you and your infinite ability – not only to bring us through, but to draw out the lush joy and beauty you’ve planted within. Thank you that this is our portion, our inheritance. as your beloved children.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 John 4:18

During a random flurry of Joyce Meyer sermons I was listening to at work a week or two ago, she said something that stuck in me like the knives Cole expertly throws into the tree out back. It was that sometimes fear will be present and you’ve just gotta “do things scared.” As usual, I don’t remember the rest of the message but this piece felt so relevant and really got me thinking.

Perfect love casts out fear and if we really understood the heart of God, fear just couldn’t stick around. We would laugh at it like a nonsensical fact told by a child. Or disdain it like a blatant lie told by a politician. But as our understanding is still imperfect, fear has a little more sway and we have a couple choices. We can either bow to it, letting it dominate our thoughts and dictate our actions. Or we can ignore its taunting threats and move forward with the things in our hearts, trusting that God is bigger than what we feel or any failure or hurt we may experience.

Last night, I saw The King’s Speech, which was one of the best movies I’ve seen in years – beautifully written, filmed, and acted. But it particularly hit home for me because it was a story of a man overwhelmed by fear, wrestling through the paralysis evident for all to see, and “doing things scared” – word by word and sentence by sentence – through friendship and acceptance. Perfect love casts out fear.

So here we are. I don’t know what your fears are. I don’t even know what all my fears are. But I want to ask if we are bowing to this foul thing, paying it homage, doing things differently than we would in its absence.

A prayer…

Lord, would you expose the places in our hearts where we are not living fully in the warmth and power of your love, your acceptance, your kindness, your forgiveness. Please show us where we have missed the fullness of life that cost you yours. Help us to trust you with our hearts and our lives and with every fear that arises, that we can walk forward in the freedom we were created for.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Someone sent this to me a while ago and I keep returning to it to soak up a little more and hope it takes. Which requires practicing it, hence the very small bites and repeated visits for more very small bites. The very good news is that the kind of love described is how God loves us – even in our most unlovely states – and the only reason we are able to give it to others. Unfortunately, I don’t have a website to reference, but I do know it was written by Graham Cooke who is one of my favorite people to learn from. Hope you enjoy.

Love Expressed, Increases (by Graham Cooke)

When the Gospel came to the Greek people, they had no language for unconditional love. No word could adequately represent the magnitude for the concept. They had to make up a word that defines God’s loving nature. That word is Agape. The most important thing about love is what we do with it.

Agape is unselfish love which expects no return We love for the sake of loving. Love begets love as surely as hate produces hatred. Love grows when given but diminishes when withheld. Agape is the unconditional love that God give us because of Who He is in Himself. He absolutely loves His enemies. The absolute proof of which is John 3:16 and Ephesians 2:1-10.

We love those who have lost sight of themselves and as a result have no clear idea of how to behave around people. The selfish, the arrogant, the abuser, and the miserly; people who are stingy, narrow-minded, and ungenerous. Love catches all and touches everyone. The difficult people are the proof of love since they need the most to be changed by it. Loving the nice is good practice; loving the unlovely is a sure sign that we know that we ourselves are the Beloved.

Love is feeling good about ourselves in the eyes of the Father and seeing what He sees in other people. It takes patience to love some people. Time is required for us to get over our prejudice, open our heart to God, and make life decisions about who we are going to be for the people who get on our last nerve. Christians are not renowned for thinking patiently. We preach about love but practice the worldly kind. We do not set people free with God’s love; we imprison them with our own fleshly habits of anger, judgment and blame. Love does not make people pay. We confuse judgment with justice. Judgment revolves around blame, punishment, and condemnation. Justice is the mix of righteousness with integrity and dignity. It is about fair treatment and impartiality. Love enable people to be advantaged even in ways they least deserve.

Such love is not weak. It is powerful but meek, kind but firm, generous and righteous. Meekness is not weakness; it is strength under control. Love will not abandon others to their fate. Love changes the course of life. It does not wash its hands of people. Agape love will never diminish another human being, but will make a point to enhance their quality of life.

When we love as God loves we are most connected to our truest identity. We discover ourselves  in God. We are always more free when practicing love and always more bound when we imprison other people by guilt. Agapelove is not self-conscious, overly sensitive or self-righteous. We must expect to be criticized for real love. The sure sign that we are manifesting God’s Presence in Agape is revealed in our vilification by the super-spiritual and the religious minded.

We cannot pretend to love people; that is unreality. however we can practice the nature of God on everyone, and in so doing, be transformed ourselves. Agape is a very deliberate choice. It cannot be merely spontaneous — it must be consciously planned. Such love is not simply a feeling but a definitive act of the will. We choose love regardless of how we feel. We love because of who we are now and because of who we want to become in Jesus.

Love expressed increases. Love withheld declines. Love is not about having the right person in front of us, who can see us in the right way. If God has loved us first (1 John 4:19) then we must look inward, not outward, for Agape. Love, like the Kingdom, is within us now! Accept it, receive it, and rejoice in it. Love being loved. The best way to express love is to do it.

Giving love demonstrates Jesus. Agape is not contrived and it is not selfish. Love always returns to us by use. We have love now – give it! nothing makes people more dependent, self-pitying, bitter, cynical and emotionally crippled than thinking they don’t have love unless someone gives it to them.

We must start where we are slowly. It is vital to let love be a conscious act that defines who we want to become in our own identity. Love needs no reward. It does not keep score. It bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things. It needs no fanfares, grandiose statements, promises or resolutions. We do not need to draw attention to ourselves. Love from within the shadow of God’s wings. Quietly, unannounced, in secret. The Father who sees in secret will multiply Agape to us. When we love, we bless ourselves. Just do it, quietly, for God’s sake!

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

A couple girls I love were hurting today. There were some very different circumstances surrounding each, but they were both being pummeled by lies about their worth. It broke my heart because I see their value and know the beliefs to be false. I said what I could, prayed, and trusted that God would squash the enemy and speak his truth.

It reminded me of something that happened to me several months ago. I had spent a fun, adventurous evening with someone who, by being beautiful and wonderful, caused me to feel like a big, gaping, inadequate nothing. I climbed into my car to go home, with lead weights hanging from the ankles of my soul… sinking deeper by the minute with no way out.

As the oxygen was leaving my lungs and the panic setting in, my very good God asked me: “Where is this going to lead?” Being regrettably familiar with the trajectory, I said I would continue to sink into self-hatred and despair, hitting my head on every form of inadequacy on the way down, until I struck the bottom and had to breathlessly struggle back to the top. I would surface. I always did. But I would feel exhausted, beaten up, and vulnerable.

The dialogue continued. “That’ll be a bummer,” God said (I’m paraphrasing here). “That’s for sure,” I responded. “Want to see if from a different angle?” “Um, yeah.” What followed cannot be articulated by these pitiful fingers and limited mind. The best I can do is to say that the Father’s love for me – and so far beyond me – unfolded in that car over that 20 minute drive home. What looked like it was going to be a tram ride to hell did a 180 and took me straight into the arms of heaven. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

I had been learning through my son that love does not control; it does not cling; it lets go. Otherwise, it is a selfish or fearful love, which isn’t love at all. The Lord showed me that it was not a lack of love – but love itself – that caused him to let me go so far in my choices. He hadn’t abandoned me; he was as close as my very breath. But he is not a controlling God who will step in and make things go his way. He love is relentless but it is not forceful.

He also showed me that he is a parent who risks greatly by releasing us to our choices. He has lost children; children he loved with a purity we couldn’t begin to touch. I pictured the grief of an earthly parent losing a child, and was broken by the thought of this kind of love on the scale of loss this heavenly Father has experienced. That night, my trajectory was altered and I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved and accepted in all of my life.

The following morning, I was driving to work and saw two pictures in my mind. The first was of a circuit board. It was a chaotic mess of tiny trails winding about. I felt like God said this is what it looks like to live from the soul. One thought will lead to a million possible outcomes and even if you spent years taking each one of those outcomes to its natural end, you would never, ever arrive at peace.

The second picture was of a dirt path covered by leafy trees and a blue sky. I couldn’t see very far up the path because it started to bend, but it didn’t matter because my heart longed to be on it – no matter where it went. There was no rush, no struggle, only stillness and life. I felt like God said this is what it looks like to live in the Spirit. All of our thoughts, our struggles, our burdens are filtered into the oneness of God who speaks with one voice from one heart in perfect wisdom, and directs us in peace. He carries the weight of decision, as we wander down the path that he has laid out.

I believe that night in the car I saw a living example of each of those pictures. I have not again experienced this to the same degree, but I know that in each circumstance we have a choice. We can choose to think and act according to our own understanding, which will lead us to places we don’t want to be. Or we can choose to lay down our thoughts and take up his infinite wisdom, trusting that he knows and cares… and walk down that path of peace.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.” Mark 10:14

One: A mystery solved

I am a messy toothbrusher. This is not new. I have to stay close to the sink to catch the toothpaste I can’t seem to keep in my mouth. Yet, still, I was finding little white trails down my bathrobe… the sleeve, the front, the belt part. Really? I’ve been brushing my teeth for years now. You’d think I’d have it down. I started paying attention and noticed something. I start my sonicare, get things going, and then close my eyes. Yes, I close my eyes while brushing my teeth as if it were a slow dance or a kiss. Anyone else find this a little strange?

Two: A complaint

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’re probably familiar with my eharmony experience from the summer. I was decidedly one of the worst internet daters ever, and was giddy to wrap up that membership and move on. Freedom! (Not quite William Wallace material, but close.) But I’m still getting icebreakers from “matches” made during that time. This is obviously eharmony’s attempt to keep me connected and lure me back. It seems they haven’t read my blog. I want this to end. Really. And while it may appear flattering that a guy would want to talk to me, it also seems likely that they spent the past 3 months pursing the matches in their cart, and are now moving onto their “save for later” list. The worst part is they don’t seem to know that I’ve bailed on the site – and I’m unable to communicate this info unless I sign up for another round. Egad.

Three: An analogy

I bit the inside of my lip eating the other day. Yes, I’m just coordinated like that. It swelled up a little bit so I managed to do it again. And then another, oh, 8 times or so. Each time, it gets easier to add to the injury and the situation just keeps escalating. I must have had time on my hands because I started thinking about how much this is like rejection or resentment or any of those other things we struggle with. It takes some special circumstance for the initial wound, but until it’s healed, even going about our normal business will cause pain and trouble. Didn’t Solomon use this example in Proverbs somewhere?

Four: A delight

I stopped by a friend’s house after work for a brief visit before picking up Cole. It was wonderful to chat, drink some holiday coffee, and eat chocolate caramels with sea salt on top. Her kids – 2 and (almost) 4 years old – woke up from a nap very reserved before the bushy-haired stranger (must’ve been humid today). Before long, they were introducing me to Honey Bear & Dolly, and counting for me in Japanese, German, Spanish, and French (seriously). It was sheer delight to hear the little voices and see the chubby bodies move around. I particularly appreciated the wedding dress and fancy shoes paired with the pink princess helmet.

But nothing could have prepared me for the greatest sendoff of all time. As I got up to leave, my heart melted as I got a hug, a kiss, and an “I love you” from each kid. But that was just the beginning. They followed around me shouting enthusiastic “I love you!’s” as I grabbed my purse and headed to the car, where they continued their hearty goodbyes. Talk about a boost. Kind of makes me wish I would act that way around some of the people I meet. So don’t be surprised if I follow you around yelling “I love you” over and over with the earnestness of an (almost) 4 year old.

Five: A question

As I shared about my very enjoyable date from the weekend, I started wondering about your experiences. So I’m asking you to hand over some dating stories… the good, the laughable, the dreadful, or that one you’ve conjured up in your head that hasn’t happened yet. Do tell.