where waves grow sweet

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

A couple girls I love were hurting today. There were some very different circumstances surrounding each, but they were both being pummeled by lies about their worth. It broke my heart because I see their value and know the beliefs to be false. I said what I could, prayed, and trusted that God would squash the enemy and speak his truth.

It reminded me of something that happened to me several months ago. I had spent a fun, adventurous evening with someone who, by being beautiful and wonderful, caused me to feel like a big, gaping, inadequate nothing. I climbed into my car to go home, with lead weights hanging from the ankles of my soul… sinking deeper by the minute with no way out.

As the oxygen was leaving my lungs and the panic setting in, my very good God asked me: “Where is this going to lead?” Being regrettably familiar with the trajectory, I said I would continue to sink into self-hatred and despair, hitting my head on every form of inadequacy on the way down, until I struck the bottom and had to breathlessly struggle back to the top. I would surface. I always did. But I would feel exhausted, beaten up, and vulnerable.

The dialogue continued. “That’ll be a bummer,” God said (I’m paraphrasing here). “That’s for sure,” I responded. “Want to see if from a different angle?” “Um, yeah.” What followed cannot be articulated by these pitiful fingers and limited mind. The best I can do is to say that the Father’s love for me – and so far beyond me – unfolded in that car over that 20 minute drive home. What looked like it was going to be a tram ride to hell did a 180 and took me straight into the arms of heaven. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

I had been learning through my son that love does not control; it does not cling; it lets go. Otherwise, it is a selfish or fearful love, which isn’t love at all. The Lord showed me that it was not a lack of love – but love itself – that caused him to let me go so far in my choices. He hadn’t abandoned me; he was as close as my very breath. But he is not a controlling God who will step in and make things go his way. He love is relentless but it is not forceful.

He also showed me that he is a parent who risks greatly by releasing us to our choices. He has lost children; children he loved with a purity we couldn’t begin to touch. I pictured the grief of an earthly parent losing a child, and was broken by the thought of this kind of love on the scale of loss this heavenly Father has experienced. That night, my trajectory was altered and I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved and accepted in all of my life.

The following morning, I was driving to work and saw two pictures in my mind. The first was of a circuit board. It was a chaotic mess of tiny trails winding about. I felt like God said this is what it looks like to live from the soul. One thought will lead to a million possible outcomes and even if you spent years taking each one of those outcomes to its natural end, you would never, ever arrive at peace.

The second picture was of a dirt path covered by leafy trees and a blue sky. I couldn’t see very far up the path because it started to bend, but it didn’t matter because my heart longed to be on it – no matter where it went. There was no rush, no struggle, only stillness and life. I felt like God said this is what it looks like to live in the Spirit. All of our thoughts, our struggles, our burdens are filtered into the oneness of God who speaks with one voice from one heart in perfect wisdom, and directs us in peace. He carries the weight of decision, as we wander down the path that he has laid out.

I believe that night in the car I saw a living example of each of those pictures. I have not again experienced this to the same degree, but I know that in each circumstance we have a choice. We can choose to think and act according to our own understanding, which will lead us to places we don’t want to be. Or we can choose to lay down our thoughts and take up his infinite wisdom, trusting that he knows and cares… and walk down that path of peace.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9