Posted by: Kara Luker | October 18, 2019

Wayward Pup

FreewayDog

Google Pic (I was too busy chasing the dog to take a photo of the actual experience!)

On my walk yesterday, I came upon a large dog bounding up the street toward me, leaving in the dust two women obviously trying to catch him. As I called to the dog in an attempt to give his owners time to catch up, he ran over to inspect me and accept a bit of affection. But since he had no collar for me to grab, it wasn’t long before he was gleefully galloping off to explore the neighborhood like a released prisoner. It was a picture of joyful freedom. Except for the fact that he kept dashing into the busy road, oblivious to the fact that he was nearly hit – several times – and almost caused an accident. The two women, it turns out, weren’t the owners of the wayward pup, but good Samaritans who had both pulled their cars over to help.

By very good luck, one of a string of drivers we had stopped, as the frisky dog once again dashed into the road, handed a lead out her window without a word… as if she’d anticipated this scene when she prepared for her day. “She’s my neighbor,” said the primary good Samaritan. “She owns lots of dogs,” she added as she coerced this one to the sidewalk. She managed to roll him onto his back and work the leash around his neck while I indulged him in a belly rub, and then led him to the back of her Volvo. Since the dog seemed (understandably) reticent to relinquish his freedom and get in the car, even with me enthusiastically calling him from inside, the authoritative Samaritan wrapped her arms around his meaty body and hefted him in. Her plan was to take him to a local shelter where his microchip could be scanned (fingers crossed that he has one) so he could be returned to his owner and to the safety of his yard.

That was the end of the story for me and nearly the end of my walk, so I made it home in a few minutes and went on with my day. But the picture stuck in my head. It made me think of the gift of freedom. For those who have been bound, there is nothing sweeter. But there are two different kinds of freedom: One that is taken and one that is given. The first is the kind the world offers and it looks a lot like the dog’s experience yesterday. Whether out of innocent desire or outright rebellion, we sometimes believe that we should be allowed beyond the boundaries that confine our world and restrict our movement. Maybe we talk ourselves into believing that it’s the very thing our Master would want or maybe we think that he’s depriving us of something. Either way, we feel justified in jumping over, digging beneath or knocking down the fences that keep us in.

There is no doubt an initial sense of liberation and joy. We are free to go where we want, do what we please and not be subject to anyone else’s designs for us. What we don’t often realize though, like the playful pup, is that the fences are provided for our safety and that when we choose to go beyond them, we are putting ourselves and others in harm’s way. Even if we escape death, this kind of freedom will eventually leave us hungry and dirty, lonely and fearful, or terribly wounded.

It seems that after our willful choice to leave our Master’s home that we would deserve to be left to our own devices. But that’s not the way He sees it. He knows that no matter how we act, Home is the only place we belong. Unlike the good Samaritans of yesterday, though, he won’t force us. It has to be our own choice or we will just bust down the fence again. Instead, He is watching and waiting. The moment he sees our humbled hearts turn toward home, He will run to meet us so He can tenderly embrace us, fill our lonely hearts with His love, and heal our wounds with His gentle touch. He will bathe us to cleanse us of all our filth and shame, and He will nourish our bodies with the richest food. And He will return us to the boundaries He has lovingly prepared so that we will be once again be safe. It is the story of the prodigal son and one that couldn’t better define God’s heart for His pups who escape and wander… even when we do it time after time after time. He is always watching and He is always waiting. So let’s go home. 

In another post sometime soon, I will explore what it looks like to be given freedom. 

 

Posted by: Kara Luker | October 16, 2019

Anchors Away

Cole would have been 24 on October 7th. Last year, he’d only been gone for a few months by the time his birthday came and the days leading up to it were brutal with anxious anticipation. The thought of a quiet day to think about my loss panicked me deeply, so my ever-gracious husband whisked us off to Disneyland, allowing me to spend Cole’s birthday lost in a distracted escape from the painful realities of the day.

This year was different. There was no real anxiety leading up to his birthday. My heart felt so much steadier; less fearful of what was to come. I felt at ease facing that Monday alone, in quietness, with John at work and Chase at school. First thing that morning, Madison sent a video of her choir performance from the weekend, in which she sang a beautiful solo. Fly Away Home was the piece. The choir director couldn’t have known when it was chosen, nor could Madison have known when she performed or sent it, what an incredible, ministering gift it was for me to receive that very sacred day. I listened at least 15 times that morning (and so many more times since), releasing a river of tears as the song washed over me and reminded me, sweetly and beautifully, that my boy’s journey on earth is complete and he has flown away home. 

My insistence to swap out the new car John gave me highjacked the rest of the day so we were unable to celebrate Cole the way I would have liked. It seemed like an opportunity lost, until we decided on a belated celebration on Sunday, our “family day.” The whole thing felt so lacking in the heaviness of grief. Yes, it was tinged with sadness, but it really did feel like a celebration and one I joyfully anticipate repeating.

We wore temporary anchor tattoos, a tribute to his job in the Navy, his love of tattoos, and Jesus who has so faithfully anchored our souls. It was playful and magical and, next year, because of a friend’s suggestion I loved, we will invite those around us to celebrate Cole’s birthday and life by wearing one too. 

IMG_7082-2
Since Cole also loved making art, Chase thought we should draw something to honor him and I agreed. So we all drew anchors to compliment our tattoos, and I’ve already housed them in a birthday binder I made to collect these tributes year-by-year. 
Chase also drew a picture of Cole in a sailboat under the sun in high seas. In the picture, the chain has broken away from the anchor and it almost looks as if the boat is going to float up off the water and fly into the sky. I couldn’t help but soak that truth in. That Cole is untethered from this earth, no longer needing an anchor because he is far above the reach of thrashing waves. He has indeed flown away home. Someday, when my journey is complete, I too will fly away home to join him. Until then, I will keep anchored to Jesus, my only hope, and do my best to make my boy proud.

Cole-Chase.jpg

Cole and Chase on a walk to the lake

Posted by: Kara Luker | October 12, 2019

An extravagant gift

My Jeep was having some major engine trouble that our very trustworthy mechanic said was beyond his ability to repair. It needed to be taken to the dealership, he told us, and would likely cost thousands to fix. Not something you ever want to hear, especially about a car that you love and has met your needs so well. Last Thursday, John swapped cars with me so he could take it to the dealership to assess the issues and cost. When he got home from work that day – earlier than usual – he asked me to come out front to see the work they did. That seemed a little suspect since major work is rarely done in a single day and because John knows I’m not the kind of girl who enjoys looking at an engine, no matter how fixed it is. “Did you trade it in?,” I quickly queried. “Just come and see,” he responded.

Sitting in our circular driveway, in place of my broken Jeep, was my dream car. Not one I ever planned on owning, mind you (the Jeep was nicer than anything I ever expected to call mine); just one I’d fallen in love with many years ago when my brother had one on loan. Yet, there it sat in my driveway, its gorgeous lines gleaming white in the afternoon sun, as my husband handed me the keys and called it mine. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I repeatedly looked from his delighted face to the beautiful SUV and back, asking if he was crazy. It seemed far too nice and fancy for the likes of me.

This was not an impulse buy. John had been researching for quite a while – even before the bad report on the Jeep – grilling my car buff brother and scouring the internet, determined to find just the right one, in the colors I love, at a price we could afford. And then, after waiting for it to be transferred locally, he spent several hours at the dealership tending to details and filling out paperwork so he could walk through the door and hand me the keys. 

I would like to say that I graciously received this amazing gift, but I struggled. Receiving love has always been hard for me. I guess it feels scary or I feel undeserving. Or both. Walls go up to keep it out or just let little trickles in. This felt like a waterfall. It was so extravagant. When I went for a cup of tea the next morning, I was gone for an hour, driving this delightfully fun and powerful car down long roads with the sunroof wide open and the windows down, weeping. I felt so humbled and so loved. And I didn’t quite know where to put that.

And then I started thinking of what it would look like to others; how this would misrepresent my “humility;” the fact that I have never been one to strive for – or even want – materialistic things. They would judge me or make assumptions about me. I know because I’ve done the same, sizing up the values, priorities and even the character of those with expensive belongings. This was quickly followed by the fear that by accepting this gift and enjoying something so nice, I would be ever closer to becoming materialistic; that by choosing to handle, taste and touch (Col 2:21-23), my flesh would run rampant with greed.

So on Sunday, which happened to be John’s birthday, I told him I was grateful for the gesture and loved the car, but I simply couldn’t keep it. No siree. It just didn’t represent me as a person and was insensitive to others who don’t have nice things and it just felt wrong. I would take advantage of the dealership’s return policy and exchange it for something nice, but less so; something that looked and felt more humble. He seemed deflated and hurt and didn’t understand, but he gave me the paperwork and freedom to get what I wanted. 

The following day, my mom and I sat in many, many cars and test drove the best. They were all nearly the same price as the one John bought me but appeared to be at least slightly more humble, so even though none could even begin to compare in quality, design or delight, I still earnestly considered them. Until I realized my foolishness. In the few days of owning the car, I had experienced – for probably the first time ever – the desire to drive. Not just for the sake of getting from one point to the other, but to enjoy the experience of it. And yet, because of fear and false humility, I was about to spurn this generous gift from a heart of love. So I decided instead to step into the true humility it takes to receive something lavish that I did nothing to earn or deserve; to receive it with joy and gratitude, letting the waterfall of love pour over me each time I take to the road.

Since I made that decision, my heart has been softened in a way I can’t quite explain. Love – not just from John, but from heaven – has penetrated the walls. It is changing me. And I’m wanting to return it like never before. I am seeing my judgment and self-righteousness and realizing that just as we can have pride about the things we own, we can also have pride about the things we don’t. I have a tangible picture of the lavish nature of grace… so unearned; so heart-softening and life-changing; so much greater than anything we would choose for ourselves. How deeply we hurt the heart of the Giver when we, in self-righteousness, choose lesser things and spurn the gift of love so painstakingly sought out for us. But what great joy it is to Him when we humble our hearts to receive it with gratitude because by receiving His gift of grace, we are really receiving Him. As we do this, we will find that we have exchanged the drudgery of getting from point A to point B in this life for the joy of unrestrained power and the wind in our hair on the long roads ahead.

Open Road

*photo courtesy of CineGeek

Posted by: Kara Luker | October 4, 2019

Climbing higher

Chase loves to climb – as long as it doesn’t require him to reach any kind of heights. And by heights I mean anything more than a few feet up, after which point he quivers in fear, panics to the point of paralysis and cries out for help. And yet, because it’s something he actually likes (you should’ve seen his joy scrambling over low boulders in Yosemite last year) and because his featherweight body seems well-suited for climbing, I suggested an outing to Sender City, an indoor rock climbing gym created specifically for kids. After Chase’s initial rejection of the idea, we went to the gym just to walk through and check it out, after which point – to my surprise – Chase said he’d like to give it a try… at a future point, he clarified; definitely not now. So a few weeks later, after school on his birthday, that’s just what we did.

The best part of the gym’s setup is their auto belay system. If a child lets go at any height – whether intentional or accidental – the cable, which is connected to their harness will lower them gently to the ground. This allows for some thrilling experiences, like the loose foam blocks they can use to build a tower to climb or the sky-high platform they can leap off to try to grab a trapeze bar… because falling becomes inconsequential. 

IMG_6817John and I watched the safety video, learned how to clip Chase in at each obstacle (for lack of a better word) and were sent off to start our adventure. After asking an employee to point us to an easy one, we clipped Chase in and he began his ascent. After an elevation gain of about two feet, he froze. As he started to climb back down, we reminded him that he could just let go and rappel down. “The cable’s got you, remember?” Even at that low height, it was nerve racking for him to let go and trust this unknown thing to hold him. The next time he climbed ever so slightly higher – maybe another foot – and then awkwardly released his hold as he gently dropped. This testing of the system took a while for this safety-conscious, risk-averse boy. But each time he fell without injury, his trust and comfort level grew. In very little time, his confidence was high enough to reach the top of some elements. Which was, frankly, shocking. Even on the ones that still made him nervous, like The Trembling Towers, he kept repeating the obstacle until he could make it to the tallest blue “tower.” 

 

 

The only glitch we had was when he ran over to the foam blocks, built something to climb and then went right to it, not realizing until we said “wait!” that he wasn’t yet clipped in. A good reminder, for sure. But he was having so much fun that the gym gave us a little extra time beyond our hour-long session as a birthday present. We haven’t returned yet, but Chase said he’d really like to and I’m pretty sure he will start the next session at a higher trust level than last time and will probably reach even greater heights – maybe even throwing himself off the sky-high platform toward the trapeze bar.

There are very few experiences in life that don’t point me to something spiritual and this was no exception. It is a vivid picture of faith. Salvation is our harness. It provides us with the perfect spot to clip into Jesus, the unfailing cable who keeps us safe as we tackle the obstacles of life. The act of clipping into Jesus is called faith. It’s not some mystical or emotional thing, but active trust empowered by the Holy Spirit that allows us to scale heights we would never otherwise be able to. 

As we are first learning to live by faith, we probably won’t get very high because we don’t yet trust that we are going to be caught if we fall. Like Chase, we will probably get a few feet up before trying to climb back down or awkwardly rappelling to the ground. But, if we keep challenging this system – or, rather, this relationship – going a little higher each time (or a lot higher those times that life requires it), we will learn from intimate experience that we will be safe if we fall or, if we do get hurt, it will not be devastating. This will enable us to confidently follow the Lord to the places that seem so daunting, which is truly a thrilling prospect. But we must never misplace our confidence in our own ability and neglect to clip into Jesus, because there is great risk to our wellbeing in that.

Now, I’m not saying that we won’t experience pain or that when we do, it means we don’t have faith. Hard, painful things are one of the ways we learn to walk by faith.  It is in those very circumstances – if we are clipped in and let go of our death grip (sometimes by choice, but usually because we just can’t hold on any longer) – we will find that we didn’t plummet as expected; that there is indeed something holding us. Maybe at the beginning, it is just a small measure of comfort or a distant light of hope or the sense that we are not entirely alone. But as our trust grows through relational experience with the One who holds us, we will find that we can live with greater boldness, throwing ourselves from even the highest platform for a chance to reach that trapeze bar because falling becomes inconsequential.

I have in no way “arrived,” but along the way, God has given me a thousand and one opportunities to let go and trust Him, giving me confidence in His ability to keep me safe when I fall (or fail) and to heal me when I get hurt. Because of this, I was able to love my son, Cole, with great vulnerability, clipping into Jesus by faith as I let go of my control. Losing him was not easy, but instead of plummeting to the ground with devastating consequences, I feel as though I have been let down with a gentle hand, more secure and measured than Chase’s auto belay. Which has given me reason to trust deeper and go higher; to live with greater boldness, courage and wholehearted vulnerability. And dare I say joy? Because this life gets fun when you’re not so worried about falling.

He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. Psalm 18:33

jump catch
Sender City photo of someone else’s kid
Posted by: Kara Luker | October 1, 2019

A glorious display

Since March, when we moved into our home and I got obsessed with planting things, I’ve taken a keen interest in what kind of flowers, shrubs and trees grow around here. There are some I’m immediately drawn to, some I completely reject and some I don’t even notice. Crepe myrtle trees fall into that last category, being about the most unremarkable tree out there. Well, that’s what I thought until summer heated up and hundreds of these trees around our city shot out enormously long branches loaded with vibrant flowers that took my breath away. It was nothing short of glorious. As it turns out, we even have two in our front yard which we were going to remove due to their nondescript nature (as John put it, “they don’t really add anything, do they?”) until – very late in the season – one began to bloom and I realized we got to be part of this remarkable display.

On my walk this morning, I passed by one of these trees, still full of blooms and a picture quickly formed in my mind. What if we, as believers, are like these trees? Maybe our daily lives look ordinary and there’s not too much to make us stand out from the rest; nothing that makes what we have seem desirable. But then – suddenly – when life heats up and hard times come, we send stunning, flower-laden shoots out into the sky that can’t help but be noticed by nonbelievers. Maybe they might even want what we have. Not because we are shouting Jesus at them or telling them who they should be or how they should live, but because Jesus is beautiful and wondrous and we get to display Him. It’s not something we even have to try hard to do. It’s in our new-creation DNA and is simply a yielded response as a branch to the life of the vine. If just one of our lives displays that kind of beauty, it is sure to be noticed. But what if hundreds and thousands and millions of us reflected His glory in the heat of life? It truly takes my breath away even to think of it.

Crape Myrtle

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. John 15:5

Posted by: Kara Luker | September 28, 2019

Softened ground

When we moved into this home and I first attempted to plant a few things in the garden, it felt impossible. The dirt was so dry and compacted, it may as well have been rock. Well, not quite. With a shovel and pickaxe, along with splinters, blisters and sweat, I was able to make it down a couple of inches. But as I looked at the depth of the large pot sitting next to me and thought about the instructions for the hole to be twice as deep and wide as that dang pot, I wanted to sit down and cry. I also really, really wanted this rose bush, which had sparked such delight when I saw it at Home Depot, to be part of my yard.

IMG_6848I was reminded of a burnt-on, crusted-over mess of a pan I’d experienced days before and how impossible it was to clean… until I soaked it overnight and all that united-with-the-pan crustiness practically slid off. So I set down my shovel and pickaxe, filled that pitiful hole full of water and walked away. The next day, as if by magic, the shovel sank into the ground, allowing me to create a big enough hole (if not quite twice as deep and wide) to plant my beautiful rose.

Likewise, there are times when we really, really want to have some beautiful living thing planted in the soil of our lives – maybe, considering the depression that’s been harassing us, we could particularly use a large fruit tree of joy, or maybe after all the anxiety we’ve experienced, peace would release the most pleasing fragrance, or, with the way we keep turning to food for comfort, self-control is what we most want to see grow. But what happens when we try to get one of these worked into the ground and find the soil as impenetrable as the dirt in my yard? 

We have a couple options. The first is to pull out our tools and apply our best efforts. Yes, it will take focus and sweat and we will probably get some splinters in the process, but if we keep at it, we should be able to make some headway in our struggle, right? If we are impatient, it would follow that we need to work at becoming more patient. And if we don’t succeed, we assume we just didn’t try hard enough so we will double up our efforts and give it another go. While there may be some temporary success like the couple inch indent I made in the dirt, it will require constant (and very wearying) work to sustain and will never be able to go deep enough to create any lasting change. 

The second option is to recognize the futility of digging in rock-hard soil and, no matter how much we would like those beautiful things growing in our lives, resign ourselves to the acceptance of living without them. This might sound like, “I am just an anxious person.” “I have an addictive personality.” “Depression runs in my family, so I’m stuck with it.” “No one one could expect joy in a situation like this.” Or a million other ways we assume “it is what it is.” This line of thinking is not altogether bad because it rightly acknowledges our complete inability to change ourselves. But if our understanding stops there, we are left hopeless – like the cross without the resurrection; stuck in whatever brokenness we find ourselves, which is in no way reflective of the abundant life of Christ in us.

The last option, which I have found to be shockingly effortless and miraculously transformational, is to take a break from my efforts – even though they are striving toward something good – to soak my life in the Word of God. Not because it makes me feel spiritual or does God any favors or because I’m a Christian and I should, but because it is a softening agent that transforms the soil of my life so that what is detrimental can be removed and what is beneficial has room to grow. It is important to point something out here. There is nothing that we need to plant. It’s already been done. The moment we accepted Jesus, all the seeds of the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control – were planted inside of us because He was planted inside of us and they naturally grow from Him. But, they are deep within and if they are surrounded by the hardened soil of unbelief, control, fear, self-reliance or any number of other things, those life-giving seeds will not be able to establish roots, break through the surface and grow to maturity (a process called sanctification).This is how Christians can be saved for eternity and loved relentlessly but still look the same as the rest of the world.

It is through time in the Word that we learn the mind of Christ, get in sync with His heartbeat, become quickened by His truth. To be transformed by it doesn’t require us to understand it all or even believe it all. We just need to spend time soaking our lives in it because the Word is “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Heb 4:12) In other words, it (or, rather, He) does the work for us, requiring rest and intimacy instead of the back-breaking curse of striving that came from the fall. Then, in the ways He does ask us to partner, our efforts will become productive, like my shovel sinking into the soft ground.

A recent example is this revved up, almost anxious state I’ve been in lately. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and they all feel urgent, so I can’t seem to finish one task before starting in on another, all the while my mind is already three steps ahead, forcing me to look something up on my phone every 5 minutes or so before I forget. Not exactly a peaceful place to be living from. I can even feel a tenseness in my body. With my to-do list dominating my thoughts, I’ve skipped the devotions I used to delight in, figuring I’ll get to them when the work is done (which doesn’t happen because I’m spent by then and want to zone out). And since my writing comes out of times of quiet with the Lord, I’ve been skipping right by that too. Even playtime with Chase and connection with John gets robbed. So I’ve been productive in a sense, but not with what matters most. 

Since sometimes we can’t even choose God without His help, I asked Him to draw me back in; to give me a hunger for time with Him. And then I walked away and let His Spirit work. Before too long, I was picking up my Bible again and setting a timer to give me long enough to become still as I read the truth and let it work itself into my soul. Here is the crazy thing. Rest came. There were still things to do but nothing felt quite so urgent. Things that didn’t really matter started falling away and I found myself calmly attending to the things that did – without splinters, blisters and sweat. And then I got revved up again and condemnation came that I’d squandered the beautiful rest He’d given, but my sweet mom prayed for me and reminded me that He loves me, that He is doing the work and that I can rest in that. What a glorious truth that quieted my spirit and drew me right back in. Maybe it’s a bit like a caterpillar in a cocoon. We rest, tightly held in the quiet place, as we are transformed from lowly creatures who hug the earth to vibrantly winged ones who traverse the sky. Or, maybe more in line with this post, is that our humbled lives, through the washing of the water of the Word (Eph 5:26), become host to a garden of the sweetest fruit we’ve ever tasted and a testimony to God’s beauty and power.

fruit tree

So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11

It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. John 6:63

Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God. 1 Peter 1:23

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:16-17

If you have time, I highly encourage you to listen to this teaching by a couple of friends on this topic (you need to have/download Dropbox to listen). 

 

Posted by: Kara Luker | September 12, 2019

Love deficit

Chase.jpegMy neighbors have a Yorkipoo puppy named Chase. As you know, that is also the name of my son, so their family refers to the puppy as “Chase the dog” and to my kid as “Chase the person.” There is nothing cuter than hearing Cruz’s little four year old voice, with r’s that sound like w’s, say “Chase the pwerson, do you want to pway Legos?” 

Anyway, Chase the dog has the sweetest temperament. He loves to be with people and pours out exuberant affection in response to any attention, which delights me to no end. When our neighbors were on a brief vacation this summer, they asked me to stop by their house daily to give him food, walks and attention. After feeding and walking him one morning, my day got away from me and I wasn’t able to return as early as planned for some extended play time. During his solitude, Chase the dog decided to eat a portion of the beautiful blue sectional in my neighbor’s family room and spread the stuffing around the house. I felt awful. But the destruction stopped as soon as he was given the love and attention he needed and the sectional has since been repaired, so all is well. Phew!

But here’s what I’ve been thinking about. Chase the dog didn’t chew up the couch because he’s a bad dog. It’s because he is a breed that is wired for a high level of relationship. The destructive turn his loving energy took was simply a response to an unmet need. We too were wired for relationship, first and foremost with our Master, from whom all other relationships flow. Unlike my inconsistent dogsitting care, God’s love and affection is constant and will never, ever fail and, because no true relationship is ever one-sided, He gave us a very special emotional energy to return this love. This energy, which could also be called worship, can’t be contained because it’s good and isn’t supposed to be, but… if there is a breach in our ability to perceive or receive His love, our energy will turn destructive, not unlike Chase’s attack on the sectional.

When this breach happens, it is not something to feel guilty about, but to become attuned to. There is an enemy prowling about, doing his best to distort the truth of our Master in order to create a disconnect in our relationship with Him. Satan knows that when we are disconnected from our Source, our worshipful energy will be expressed in compromised or outright bad behavior. And then he will point to that behavior and blame us (or God) for it, which will create further separation because we feel unworthy or untrusting. The cycle will continue, deepening the disconnect. All the while our worship continues to pour out like a rushing river into inferior places.  

Like Chase is not a bad dog because he chewed up a couch, you are not a bad person because you have done or continue to do wrong things. Please hear me on this. Bad behavior is caused by a Love deficit. Always. I am convinced. Even if you have struggled with a lifelong addiction – to alcohol, drugs, porn, approval, achievement, (fill in the blank) – or have failed to make a single good choice in all your years on earth, you are not a bad person (and let me rephrase that for the performance-bent people: You don’t have to be a good person to be loved.)  You are simply someone who hasn’t understood how very loved you are; how accepted; how redeemed (now; not when you get your act together or prove that you are worthy). Your addiction is actually proof that you are a worshipper because it demonstrates your ability to love with abandon. It’s just been misplaced because of a disconnect from the Source of pure, joyful, true worship. Can you imagine how passionate your affection will be when you get connected to Love itself?

I say this from experience. I knew nobody as bad as me. I thought there was something bent or broken in me that could never be fixed. I struggled with addiction in countless forms, selfishness and self-hatred (and all sorts of other things that start with self-), and made impossibly wrong choices on a regular basis. For a while I didn’t even want to change, but when I finally did, it seemed impossible. All my efforts failed because I was trying to fix the behavior which wasn’t the root problem. It was only when I was met by God’s love that my energy which had been so terribly misspent on self-destruction began to be channeled into loving Him back. It was in such small measure at first because it was all I was able to receive and therefore give, but more and more I have been transformed by it. There is nothing sweeter to me now than this heart that is learning to pour itself out in earnest, loving adoration of this God who saved me and into joyful relationship with Him. I can’t encourage you enough to connect to the Source. Let Him love you. And let your love pour back out to Him. There is nothing more beautiful or more satisfying on heaven or on earth. Because it’s the very thing that we were made for.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10

 

Posted by: Kara Luker | September 5, 2019

No longer orphans

When I lived on a sweet, tree-lined street in Northern Colorado, I had a neighbor named Bill. He was a giant of a man with a heart to match, and always had at least one scruffy looking guy staying with him who’d been down on his luck and needed a hand. Bill’s kindness extended to our small household of a single mom and her little boy who both appreciated the occasional meal or gift this neighbor would bring but especially the sense of security we had knowing he was watching out for us.

One day Bill came over to tell me of an abused dog he’d heard about who needed a home, wondering if maybe I could take her in. My landlord said no, which was a disappointment since I also have a soft spot for the damaged and dispirited. But dear Bill, unable to tolerate the suffering of another living creature, took her in. 

Cole and I went over to meet Tara, a scraggly herding kind of dog, the day Bill brought her home. She was understandably timid. When I lifted my hand to pet her, she shrank back in fear as though I was going to strike her. It broke my heart. But I couldn’t wait to see how she would quickly blossom in her new environment of kindness and provision. Time passed without any discernible change. It shocked me. Didn’t she know she was now safe and loved? We then moved back to California so I don’t know the end of her story but I’ve always hoped she was finally able to understand her new reality and enter in.

This experience really stuck with me because I can see how true it is of us as people too. I don’t think any of us who have been rescued by God arrived at His house without having been damaged by the world in ways that that made us feel unsafe and unloved. Ideally, we would recognize our new reality and enter in, jumping into our Daddy’s lap and letting Him pour out His love on us – and then pouring ours back on Him. But it often isn’t as easy as that because our histories tend to project themselves onto our current experiences. We shrink back in fear when God extends a hand, assuming He is delivering punishment rather than love. We misinterpret His absence as abandonment and don’t trust the food He’s put before us to nourish us back to health, instead choosing to scrounge for ourselves or go without.

It’s how we, like Tara, can continue to live as though we are abused orphans despite the fact of our new lives in our adoptive home where we are treated with gentle kindness, given the love and security we have always craved, and where our every need – present and future – has been met. God wants to demonstrate this to us more than anything… to draw us into a relationship so secure that we never fear His hand or His motives again; that His strong arms are the first place we go when we’re scared; that we know our hunger and thirst will always be filled with good things; that we have Someone to pour out our affections to and share our joy with when our hearts are full; that our lives becomes one great, big beautiful response to the new reality of being wholly loved. We can’t strive our way there or become deserving enough. All we can do is humble ourselves and say, “Yes, Your love is true… truer than anything I’ve yet known. Help me see it. Help me receive it. Help me enter in.”

Border Collie2.jpeg

Posted by: Kara Luker | August 29, 2019

Broken bones of grief, Part 2

After 23 years under the care of the Great Physician who had gained my trust and healed so many of my broken places, I lost Cole to suicide. It is hard to imagine a deeper trauma or more extensive break. Understandably, my initial response was one of shock and horror. But because of what I had experienced in Part 1 of this post, it was followed almost immediately by an intense determination to refuse any diagnosis or treatment by myself or anyone other than my wise Doctor whose masterful care, I believed, could heal even this break.

Making my own assessments based on my emotions, perceptions or very limited understanding, like I did as a teenager, would not result in the healing I so desperately needed, nor would going into self-protect mode. My heart would need to stay soft so I could let Him come near. My ears would need to stay open so I could hear His voice of comfort and truth. The muscles of trust I had developed over countless workouts of yielding my will would need to be flexed so I could follow His instructions and once again be made well.

I did none of this perfectly. I had lost my precious son… the one God used to save my life… and my heart hurt so deeply. But the cross – the beautiful, powerful cross, which I’d known so little of before but know so much of now – created a holy space for me in the midst of pain and confusion, as it does for all who weep and grieve and have lost what they can’t bear to lose. It carried a promise of something different than what I could yet see and a constant whisper to come to the Healer to be washed and mended and made whole. 

Each time I chose to yield to that whisper and come to Him, with symptoms or questions or just to weep at His feet, some piece of healing was deposited. Sometimes He held me tight, conveying as to a child that it was going to be okay, until my tears ebbed, my body calmed and I could get back up and carry on. Other times He released into my heart a deep compassion for Cole so there would be no foothold for judgment or anger, and enabled me to forgive myself and others I would be tempted to blame for his choice. Sometimes He spoke a word of truth that arrested my understanding so supernaturally that I felt joined to His heart and vision, leaving me to wonder how I could ever be disheartened again. But mostly, He injected a mighty shot of comfort at the source of the pain, covering me with grace to get through each day and imparting a divine hope that it would not always hurt like this.

Because of this grace, given so freely, I was able to act upon His prescribed treatment, much of which I had already learned and practiced during recuperation from previous injuries. It wasn’t easy; it never is. But it is amazing what can be accomplished when the alternative is continual pain. So I washed my aching wound in worship songs that spoke of God’s love and His victory over death, listening over and over and over again as they ministered to my doubts and my sorrow. I clung to verses that spoke truth and comfort to my heart, letting their voices rise above the clammer in my head: “Did I not tell you that if you believe you would see the glory of God?” I set my mind to recount all the times He had been so faithful to me; when He had brought beauty from ashes in every seemingly hopeless situation I’d dared to trust Him in… only seeing in the end what He had seen all along. I set my mouth to declare His goodness because He says He is good, even when my circumstances seem to say differently. And I continued to take each of my symptoms to Him so I could hear His report – not mine, not the enemy’s, but His. When I couldn’t find my way back to Him or to a place of surrender, I enlisted the encouragement and prayer of friends who would not pity me but would faithfully lead me back to this relentlessly loving and powerful God who would not leave me here.

Because I knew this God of mine could heal, my impatience tormented me at times. I thought I should be able to skip the process. Just throw off my grief, jump out of my recovery bed and be done with it. Inevitably, when I got ahead of the process, I would fall to the ground, keenly aware of my throbbing wound and frustrated by my weakness. I once again had to return to Jesus in a state of vulnerability, allowing my sadness and hurt to surface. To acknowledge it, feel it and to always bring it before the Lord. Because though breaks take time to heal even under the best care, time alone won’t heal them. It is only through relationship with the Healer that we are made well. 

Then there was one brutal day when my thoughts turned sour. Anger rose, which in itself wasn’t wrong. It was simply a symptom of something bigger going on; one that could have been diagnosed and treated if I’d taken it to the Lord. Or if I’d let someone else take me to Him through prayer. But I wanted none of that because along with anger entered self-pity, which does not (and never will) want to be made well. It is an infection, producing all sorts of pain and complications without giving an ounce of healing. But in the moment it felt good. Justified. So I let loose all the raging “poor me’s” that I had been rejecting to that point. There was no grace. No pain killing shot of comfort. No hope to be found. It felt like hell. So I turned back to Jesus. It felt so feeble and powerless. But through praise, one of the most difficult offerings I’ve ever brought, not only did darkness and pain have to flee, but hope came with tidings of comfort and joy.

And so it has gone this past year, learning ever more how to put all my trust in this Great Physician who is “near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Ps 34:18) I have gained so much restoration already, able to put increasing amounts of weight on this break which is being set according to perfect Love and Wisdom. And, because of this break, my once debilitating fear of pain has lost its grip on me. If God can lead me through this – without even a glimpse back at addiction, no less – what do I have to fear? So I will continue to surrender to His truth and His process until I am made completely whole. What joy will fill His heart (and mine) when He says, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

Verses

Posted by: Kara Luker | August 26, 2019

Broken bones of grief, Part 1

When I was a sophomore in high school, not quite 15 years old, I got stupid drunk at a school dance and lost my virginity to a guy on the hockey team I hardly knew who took full advantage of my inebriated state. After sobering up and realizing what I’d done… what I’d lost… I was in shock, my heart broken. The next school day revealed the word SLUT written across my locker and news that the guy’s girlfriend was mad as hell and intent on beating me up. My shame had been made public. Very public. Instead of acknowledging my sorrow, even to myself, over the trauma of this whole wretched thing, I decided to be grown up and worldly. Laugh it off. Pretend I wasn’t in pain. Pretend I wasn’t ashamed. Pretend I wasn’t terrified of being hurt physically on top of it all.

What I had experienced was a broken bone of grief. A healthy person would have sought out help to get the damage assessed and repaired, receiving the necessary care and treatment to heal the break. I didn’t even realize that was an option. From my vantage point, as someone who already felt damaged, it looked so severe, I assumed it must be beyond repair. Even if a fix were possible, shame of being exposed and fear of anyone handling my raw, tender wound would have caused me to stay the course of tending to myself as best as I could… which, as you can imagine, was not very well. So, instead of the bone being properly set so I could fully heal and function, it fused in contorted ways – on completely wrong beliefs – that left me with a noticeable limp and perpetual pain that affected many areas of my life.

Through my pregnancy with Cole at 21, I came to know Jesus, the Great Physician. He had an open door policy, allowing me to visit for as long – or as short – as I wanted and addressing only what I was comfortable with. He didn’t ask about all my scars or judge me for my limp. When I finally felt safe in His care, I asked Him to take a look at my wound, still tender after many years. He did what should have been done in the first place, which was to expose the area, gently examine it and take x-rays to assess the damage inside. It had been a severe break, He said, occurring in my identity, where I derive my sense of value. It should have been set immediately on the steadfast truth of who He says I am and who He says He is, rather than on my own determination produced by incomplete and often misleading methods of assessing, like my emotions or perceptions. It should also have been held in place by a cast and given time to heal, rather than the damaged part having to bear my full weight immediately and creating dysfunction in the whole. The process might have inhibited my freedom for a while, but would have resulted in full function and a whole new appreciation for restored movement. Any pain would have been temporary and part of the healing process, rather than indefinite, unproductive pain that comes from complications and infections. 

The very, very good news was that it wasn’t anything He hadn’t seen before and definitely nothing He couldn’t reset, heal and make perfectly strong and true. The only requirement on my part was enough trust to submit to His care. I would like to say that it came easily and healing came quickly, but it took time. I wanted to trust Him. And I did to a degree. But it was not easy to hear His quiet voice when my own was so loud, or to obey His instructions when they often felt completely counterintuitive to my self-protecting heart or challenged the narrative I had believed so long and considered truth. It was a whole new way of understanding; a new and very vulnerable way of doing life. But as I pressed in day by day and year by year, bringing each symptom, doubt, hope and fear into the light of His truth by His Word and His Spirit, He was faithful to His promise to lead me into healing and restoration. I can now stand firmly, without any pain, on what I had perceived to be a devastating injury, and received necessary training and preparation for what threatened to be an even more devastating one, which will be the second part of this post: My “broken bone of grief” in losing Cole. 

P.S. I recently reread for probably the fourth time Hinds Feet on High Places, which is an allegory about this process of trust and freedom. I highly recommend it. And I’ll leave you with this song, which seems very relevant.

Prophesy Your Promise
I found You in the middle of my mess
You had been there all along
Open arms and open heart,
You called me in
You didn’t hesitate at all
And the lies I once believed
They crumble
With the weight of Your truth
And the fear that gripped my heart
Is arrested
So that I can see You
When I only see in part
I will prophesy Your promise
I believe You, God
‘Cause You finish what You start
I will trust You in the process
I believe You, God
You set a table in the middle of my war
You knew the outcome of it all
When what I faced looked like it would never end
You said, watch the giants fall
And the lies I once believed
They crumble
With the weight of Your truth
And the fear that gripped my heart
Is arrested
So that I can see You
Fear can go to hell
Shame can go there too
I know whose I am
God, I belong to You

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