where waves grow sweet

John whispered to Chase, “Mom is a pickleball fanatic” as I left the house to play with a few women in my neighborhood yesterday. The opportunity sounded too fun to pass up, even though I’d already played earlier in the day. I’m not yet capable of playing very competitively, but I did find an opportunity to hit an aggressive shot, after which one of my neighbors joked, “It’s always the innocent ones you have to look out for!”

In a non-pickleball-related conversation recently when a friend and I were talking about our strengths and identities, she immediately spoke of my gentleness. I was giggling in bed last night as I asked John, “Who would ever have thought I would be seen as innocent and gentle??” I mean, those are lovely words and I think they are mostly true, but if you could look back in time, they are probably the last ones you’d choose. You’d more likely have lead with angry, manipulative or self-destructive; or maybe just “hellion” to keep it simple.

But that’s how transformation works. You have a starting point and then something happens in the middle that makes the ending point look a lot different. Maybe like a caterpillar, cocoon and butterfly. My starting point was essentially a mistaken identity, crawling on the ground with my belly in the dirt because I thought that’s where I belonged. Jesus entered the picture, wrapped me up in his love and helped me grasp my true identity. Without realizing exactly what was taking place (it’s kind of hard to see in a cocoon), I found myself on the other side with a new sense of joy and a beautiful set of wings.

Don’t get me wrong. I am no angel. John can testify to that. And my gentleness goes away in a hurry if I feel passionate about something. But there is no doubt that a radical transformation has taken place. I’m not what I was. I truly didn’t think that was possible. And yet at the same time, I am who I always was because my identity was (and always will be) fixed and secure. The best part is that this transformation didn’t come about by trying to change, but simply by spending time with Jesus and learning what was true.

There are some areas in my life where transformation is wanted and needed and still on the horizon, so I’m writing this as an encouragement to myself but also to anyone out there who is walking in a mistaken identity (maybe without even realizing it yet), struggling with what your life or behavior looks like, and feeling hopeless that change is possible. If God can do it for me, He sure as heck can (and will) do it for you.

p.s. If you haven’t stumbled upon Jamie Winship, I can’t encourage you enough to listen to one (or a dozen) of the many podcasts he’s been interviewed on or to read his book, Living Fearless, to learn more about walking in your true identity and to hear some amazing stories along the way.

Part 1 of 3 with Jennie Allen: Conflict Zones, the CIA, and Listening to God

Living Fearless by Jamie Winship