Posted by: karanoel | May 12, 2019

When suicide seems like the only way

You are struggling. Darkness is pressing in. You’ve tried and tried, but there seems no way to relieve the doubts, the fears, the pressure. The thoughts, the voices, berate you over your failures; not just the choices you’ve made but the failure that you are. Maybe they shout, drowning out everyone – and everything – else. Or maybe they whisper, causing you to draw close and hear the message they bear. You are a captive audience now. What you hear – all you can hear – is that it is hopeless. You are a disappointment, the voices say, and you always will be. The future – your future – is unbearable. You are not up to the task of facing it. There is no way forward and no way out. You are trapped. “But wait,” the voices intone with a hopeful glimmer, “there is something you can do; something to escape the torment”. Desperate for peace, you pause to listen. Then comes the message they have been yearning to give, delivered above the clammer in your head with the clarity of a high-pitched note: Suicide.

Maybe it is shocking at first. Maybe you resist a bit. But as the thought takes hold, the pressure is relieved. It is the first moment of peace you’ve had in a long time. The reasoning continues, in comforting tones now, gently massaging your conscience free of the pain you would cause. “You probably wouldn’t be missed anyway.” “You’d be doing the world a favor, relieving it of a burden.” They reinforce the bleakness of your circumstances. “There’s no more grace. It’s all been used up.” “There may be hope for others, but not for you.” “This pit is just too deep for you to ever climb out of.” And they add wheedling tones of self-pity. “It is just too hard.” “No one understands.” “Who can be expected to live like this?” And, finally, your defenses overcome, your heart yields to the voices and agrees, “Yes. Suicide.”

There is always a chance for truth to enter; for you to rip this foul shroud of deception and stand in the bright light of day. But if you don’t, if instead you swaddle yourself in its darkness and call it true, you will begin to protect it at all costs, as if it were some sacred treasure… this lack of worth; these violent thoughts against your very own life. You will passionately defend it against anyone or anything that would challenge it. The voices smile at each other. They have done their job well. You will take it from here. They will come along for the ride and, of course, “encourage” you in the “right direction” until your death – or, at least, your hopelessness – is secure.

But what the condemning voices will not tell you is the truth. That your loss from this earth would not only send tidal waves of pain and ripples of grief as far as the eye can see, but that all of heaven would weep and grieve for you. Because you are more important than you know. Whether or not you can see, feel or even imagine it right now, your life matters.

Your life matters because you were created with value that is absolute and unchangeable. It is not based on how you see yourself or how anyone else sees you, it cannot be altered by anything you have done or anything that has been done to you, and has nothing to do with how you feel. An assault on your life would be like taking a priceless, irreplaceable vase – the only one of its kind – and shattering it in pieces on the pavement. Sometimes something of such value has been mistaken for something cheap or even worthy of the trash pile and treated accordingly, but once the value is recognized, there is a complete change in the way it is seen, treated and valued. You may be in the trash heap right now, but it’s not where you belong. Let God show you who you really are and what you are actually worth and there is no question you will begin to treat your life with the kindness and care someone with your value deserves.

Your life matters because you were made with a purpose that is more important than you can see or imagine right now. There are no exceptions. You are no exception. Your absence means that purpose would go unfulfilled; a glaring silence from the orchestra in a symphony of God’s design. All you’ve heard so far is the fumbling wrong notes played at exactly the wrong time, drawing attention to yourself in painful, shameful ways. But you will find, with training from the Composer Himself, that you will start to hear the rhythm in your heart, that you will begin to join in, that those notes – the ones that can only come from your instrument – not only fit in the piece, but they are an important part. You will come to find out that you are wanted here. You are needed here. You belong here. You just don’t know it yet.

Remember how those voices told you it was hopeless? That you are hopeless? They lied. As long as you have breath in your lungs, you have hope. Because hope isn’t based on you. It has nothing to do with your ability to fix your mess. It can’t be diminished by how deep your darkness is, how futile your struggle seems or how vast your failures are. It is based upon something completely outside of you – God’s ability to save you. You don’t have to be able to see how He can possibly do it. You don’t have to be able to help Him fix it. All you have to do is call on His name and He will come. He will enter into your deep pit with you. He will take your hand. And He will lead you out. I have been there. I know. Grace is not just for others. It is for you. It will never, ever run out. God is for you and He will pursue you to the ends of the earth. You have a future and a hope. Always. That can’t be changed. 

But lies breed in silence and in isolation, so it is essential for you to reach out to someone besides the voices inside; to find someone trustworthy and share your struggles; to hear truth. If you don’t have anyone like that, please reach out to me. I know the devastating  pull of darkness, but I no longer live in its power and torment but in the the warm embrace of hope and freedom. If the voices have brought you nothing but torment, maybe it is time to challenge them.

More to come…


Responses

  1. Powerful, full of Hope!

    • Thank you Ray! I am praying so many would grab hold of hope and be pulled out of darkness.


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