where waves grow sweet

Me and my boy

A day or two after Cole died, I told my mom through tears, “He was my greatest treasure.” Having a husband and two other children I love so deeply, it seemed wrong to say. But it felt true. “I know,” she responded with great compassion.

It’s not that I loved him more, but the sweet presence of that little boy in my life effortlessly unlocked a heart that considered itself incapable of any good thing, most of all love. I desperately wanted the best for him, but didn’t have it to give, so I became anchored to the process of transformation and found freedom and joy on so many fronts – and a deeper bond with this boy than I thought possible. Because of Cole, I learned how to love. And began to know how to be loved. He changed my everything.

But I’ve learned something these past 7 months since losing him. He wasn’t my greatest treasure. He was part of the beautiful, broken road that led me to my truest and greatest treasure, Jesus. What an amazing gift and significant purpose. It makes me love and appreciate him so much more. But it also makes me want to pour out all that I am and have in the One whose value exceeds all others and secures an abundance for me… even when all else is lost.

Because Jesus is the keeper of the lost. The One who sets all things right. The only safe place to invest anything – and everything – of value. So for now, in this life, I will walk with the sweetest joy and truest love that I found in Jesus through His gift of this remarkable boy. And I will look forward to the day when Cole and I get to share the road again, completely unbroken this time.

“Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found, and hid. In his joy, he goes and sells all that he has, and buys that field.”  Matthew 13:44