where waves grow sweet

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4

I’ve been thinking about my last post. Though I was born into a family that loved me, provided for me and cared for my needs, I never felt like I belonged – not in my family, not in any given community or, if I’m honest, not even on this earth. So while not literally an orphan or foster kid, I lived in a constant identity crisis as though I were. I fully believed my acceptance was not yet secured and it seemed dependent on factors outside of my control (and it certainly was if it meant making good choices and behaving well), which made me feel helpless and angry. This deep insecurity showed itself in many facets of my life and led me down the destructive roads of addiction, promiscuity, eating disorders, self-mutilation… anything, really, to keep me from facing the fear that I just wasn’t worthy of love.

Then my heavenly Daddy came into my life. He said He loved me and that my past didn’t matter. It sure did sound nice and I accepted it to a degree. But I worried about the present; about the fact that I still didn’t have it together – and might never. So I spent many years on my best behavior, trying to show Him I was worth keeping. He spent many years demonstrating remarkable patience and heart-wrecking kindness for the Sunday School version of me with ever-present and (very) thinly veiled dysfunction. It empowered me to start pulling out some of the shame-filled junk rotting inside of me, which always elicited a response of deep compassion and gentle truth. It gave me courage to eventually let out my darkest, ugliest, angriest parts – as well as some of the most intimate and tender parts. When you’re afraid of being rejected, it’s a terrifying risk. But let me tell you that I’ve never, ever gotten anything but love in return. Over the past couple decades, He has shown me over and over (and over) again that He loves me… period. Nothing I can do – good or bad – can change the deep, raw, living love He has in His heart for me. As a result, I have been convinced… and transformed.

For the first time ever, I’m coming to know that I belong – first and foremost in my Daddy’s household. But also in my physical family, in this family of believers, in this community I find growing around me. I’m not saying I have it all together, because I don’t. But that’s the whole point. We are loved, as we are. As Brene Brown explains it, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Because we are already accepted. Our place is secured and there is nothing in this world – or beyond it – that can change that. It is a sweet, beautiful place of worthiness and connection; of unchangeable security. You belong. Do you believe it?