Posted by: karanoel | October 31, 2010

Doubt

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

I woke up at 3:30 this morning, stumbled through the darkness on my well-worn path to the bathroom, and then crawled back into the fluffy arms of my comforter. Pretty much a ritual… sleep, momentary wakefulness, trek to the bathroom, realization of hours of slumber to come, the sweetest of sleep until the alarm pounces. But tonight I found myself lying in bed, where I’m now typing in the dark, with unnamed fears robbing me of rest.

My thoughts led me to anxiety about my last blog post; the one about being called into a greater story. My chest got tight and a debate ensued in some unwanted part of my mind about whether or not to erase it. I wiped out a post once, the day after I’d written it, because it just didn’t set right. But I’m stuck on this one. Maybe I didn’t say it well or missed the heart of things, but I think I really meant what I said. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter too much in the end, yet here I am with the sun about to rise, stuck awake and left wondering.

The bigger fear is that maybe I don’t have anything worth saying. That it was arrogant and absurd to start a blog, and that all the other ways I’m stepping out are ridiculous too. That the transformation that’s been happening this past year, the challenges to do what I love, to reach beyond myself, to share something meaningful with God and people in the process – that it wasn’t real or true or was just some passing phase. That I should just settle back in, tuck myself in a corner, and do the same things I’ve always done…. quietly.

But here’s the thing. I meant what I said the other day about wanting to lay down excuses so I can become a part of something bigger; something more. And every variety of fear falls in that category. So here I am, laying it out there, letting you know I really don’t know if I have anything worth saying. I may offend or spit out empty words. I may not have a profound thought or helpful insight. And in this moment, with a calm settling over me, I’m not sure that it even matters because I’m willing to try. And I’m willing to fail. And you are welcome to join me for the ride.


Responses

  1. You need to keep writing. Period. God calls us out in order to enrich our story. Your narration of the journey is so valuable.

    • Thank you Sarah. So be it. 🙂

  2. Not to be arrogant on my part, but with relocating with three kids, one of whom has special needs, and working as a consultant, “on the side” of motherhood, I never have time to read posts or catch my friends on FB… but I make time to stop and read your posts… so be encouraged. You have something to say and say it well… and in the process you are honing your gift.

    • Julie, I’ve seen what your life looks like and I am honored that you would take the time to read these posts. Thank you for the encouragement. I think you are amazing.

  3. Ditto Sarah and Julie! Having lived with you these past years I have the perspective to say you are a changed person. You don’t get to see you from the outside, to see how you respond now compared to the way you responded a year ago, six months ago. But you’re not just writing about what you’re thinking, you’re living it, you’re a daily incarnation of Christ in you as you give Him more and more of yourself. And the story is getting better each day. What you’re experiencing and writing about not only glorifies God and frees you, you’re receiving more light and grace and giving it to others – from the overflow.

    • I am angry and in full disagreement with everything you said. [If anyone else is reading this, know that it is funny.] Thank you dad for your kind encouragement. Go team!


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