Today is Cole’s birthday. It is so hard to believe he would be 30. He has been gone for over 7 years and was away at the Navy for 4 years before that, so in some ways it feels like it’s been a lifetime. He didn’t have a chance to meet most of the people we’ve become so close to. Or our dog, whom he would have adored and lovingly teased for not being very bright. He didn’t have a chance to delight in the keen humor his little brother would develop as he grew. Or watch his sister graduate with her Ph.D. or poke fun at her boyfriends. He would never show up at this beautiful house we prayed and waited for, even though I had a dream that he did… in his navy blue peacoat with his suitcase in hand, ready to pick up where he left off, as if his absence had only been temporary; a misunderstood break.
I remember a patch of time when he’d been away at the Navy for a long while. I was missing him like mad and kept trying to get concrete information about when he would be able to come home, but he couldn’t say because he didn’t know. So I finally stopped trying to pin him down or put my hope in a particular timeframe. “I don’t know when, but I will see him again,” I told myself. And that was enough. That sweet knowledge wrapped its warm arms around my heart and held it tight.
The same truth holds my heart now as it did then. I may not know when, but I will see him again. All that we’ve missed together here will be made up in the blink of an eye. Because the reality is that time here is temporary, even for lives that aren’t cut short; barely a blip on the screen of eternity.
So today, Cole, I treasure the tender ache in my heart because it is where you belong, for now and always, and I wish you the sweetest of birthdays. I hope you know how much I love you and that I could not be more proud to be your mom.
where waves grow sweet 
Such tender words, Kara. Your hard-won peace is an encouragement to all of us who face similar life challenges. And I have no doubt you will see Cole again.
By: mitchteemley on October 8, 2025
at 3:52 am
Thank you Mitch! That is an incredible reality, isn’t it?
By: Kara Luker on October 8, 2025
at 10:48 am
It is indeed!
By: mitchteemley on October 8, 2025
at 2:15 pm
❤️❤️❤️🙏
By: At Sunnyside - Where Truth and Beauty Meet on October 10, 2025
at 7:25 pm
Kara, that was a touching and powerful post about Cole, and about your recovery journey after his death. Listening to it stopped my morning short, coloring my perspectives for the rest of the day, I am sure. Thank you for your faith, constancy, and willingness to share.
Being a suicide loss survivor is a life-long gift we never wanted yet from which our most profound changes are given birth.
Tim
By: 1pursuit on October 13, 2025
at 7:35 am
Thank you so much for your kind words! Definitely not a gift any of us would choose, but you are so right about the changes that it’s given birth to, not the least of which is a reorientation toward eternity. I do think that the good God uses it for is going to far outweigh the grief in the loss. And I wholly believe that our joy is going to be full when we see the whole picture in heaven.
Btw, I have been having trouble commenting on posts in WordPress as I get blocked for some reason, and I tried unsuccessfully to comment on your most recent one. So I will use this opportunity to tell you what I wanted to say…
I was behind on my email and just got to your post this morning, but it was actually perfect timing. There were a couple things in those verses that addressed exactly what I was journaling about this morning and needed to hear, and the way you formed them into prayers addressed an exercise I was going to be working on after reading part of Winning the War in Your Mind this morning. Thank you so much for your faithfulness in sharing truth!
By: Kara Luker on October 13, 2025
at 7:52 am
You are welcome, Kara. God bless you and your tribe!
By: 1pursuit on October 13, 2025
at 8:27 am
Blessings to you too!
By: Kara Luker on October 14, 2025
at 6:52 am